How to get Over the Fear of Being Judged
Motherhood brings about a huge amount of unwanted advice, expectations, and judgement from others.
There probably won't be another time in your life that people will want to tell you how you should do things.
People feel that the stakes are so high with child-rearing. You only get one chance, don't mess it up. Don't feed them the wrong thing, let them watch too much tv, don't spoil them, and on and on.
Becoming a mother will be particularly hard if you have a fear of being judged. You can't show up to be a great mom, wife, or person if you are fearful of what others think.
Fear of being judged shows up as:
- People pleasing
- Fear of looking stupid
- Fear of looking incapable of being a parent
- Fear of the kids making you look like a bad parent
- Fear you aren't measuring up to other parents
- Fear you aren't doing enough or giving it your all
It can take a lot of hard work and time to get over your fears of being judged. It will be worth it. Here is what you’ll have to look forward:
+ More mental space to think of what you want to think of instead of being a slave to your thoughts
+ More creativity
+ More fun, more laughter
+ Feel more alive and free spirited
+ You can listen better since you won’t be thinking of what you will say next or what you just said
+ Better, deeper connections with everyone
+ Closer relationship to your true self
+ Friends you actually like – balanced relationships
+ Attract men that are truly confident
+ Better sleep
+ More genuine expression of yourself
+ Less stress, less worry
+ Better health
+ Passing on the gift on being confident in yourself to your children.
How do you start to get rid of your fear of being judged?
1. Get to know what you fear.
There are many types of things we fear being judged by:
Fear of being judged as silly, goofy, not logical
Fear of being judged as not nice, rude, bitchy, or inconsiderate
Fear of being judged as stupid, not smart, dumber than someone
Fear of being judged as poorer, financially inferior
Fear of being judged as irresponsible, or not pulling your weight
Fear of being judged as fat, or larger than someone
Fear of being judged as less than, not worthy of being a part of something
Fear of being judged as unlovable
2. Find out where the fear came from.
Did your mom/dad criticize your body? Did you hear her criticizing or looking down on others for being irresponsible, poor, or stupid? Did you hear your mother judge her own body? Did she worry about finances? Did you only feel loved by your Dad if you acted a certain way? Did someone from childhood call you fat or point out other things about your body or personality?
These people make up your committee in your head. They are the ones who implanted thoughts in your mind about how you are doing, how others perceive you, and what you should be thinking. Until now you have let them being your ruling committee and they are running the show.
You let the thought of being judged from your past committee members effect how you feel, then it changes the way you act. You may skip going to a party because you fear you aren’t pretty, smart, or put together enough to relate to anyone there.
Remember thoughts are just thoughts.
Who is on your committee? What do they say?
3. You do it to yourself first.
Realize you judge yourself the hardest for the thing that you think others are judging you for. In other words, if you are insecure and unhappy with how much money you make, you will probably judge others for having too much or too little money.
4. You attract more of your fear to you.
It’s like the blue car analogy. If you are trying to buy a blue car, then you start seeing blue cars everywhere. If it’s on your mind, then it is what you will see in the world. If you are constantly feeling unsuccessful, then you will take people asking you “what do you do?” as a condescending question instead of a way to get to know you. If you are insecure about your body, you might find that all your friends have issues with their body too, and it is all you talk about.
5. Practice self-love and acceptance.
If the problem starts with you, then the best place to start to fix the problem is you. It’s time to get really excited and loving about yourself. Love your body and others will too. Be confident and accepting of your place in life and others will too. Get excited about your big dreams in life and others will too.
1. Brainwash yourself the other way. If you picked up this fear from someone else, then naturally you can reverse this fear by brainwashing yourself the opposite way. If you feel unworthy of being with a certain group of people, you could say “I’m lovable just as I am and will find a group of friends who love and support me.” Or “My body is an incredible gift and I love it just as it is today.”
Don’t bother saying those if you don’t even sort of believe them. Try saying “I’m willing to see…”
Repeat over and over. Morning and night. Repeat them when you work out. Write them out. Put them on sticky notes all over the house. Brainwash. Brainwash. Brainwash.
6. Limit your contact with haters.
Even your mother. You can’t get everyone to like everything about you. Sometimes you may have people in your life who criticize anything you do. Some people get especially upset if you are enjoying life or are excited about something. But if you are genuinely happy and excited by what you have going on then their comments and jabs won’t be so damaging. They will just float on by.
This also means limiting your contact with people who come off as perfect or having it all. Delete people from your social media accounts, stop looking at Pinterest, and change the channel when someone you are jealous of comes on.
7. Increase time with your biggest fans.
Find a group of people that support you and love you. Don’t hang out with people with low self-esteem, low self-worth, or people who also have lots of fears of being judged. It will be hard at first because you are probably already naturally attracted to these folks. But don’t get caught in a group of people who don’t hold you to a high standard of self-love. If you ask your friend to compare you to someone else, and they do. Then you don’t need them as a friend. You need someone who will say “no I won’t compare you to her.”
Address some of your beings issues around being judged before you have kids will go a long way when you do have them. Imagine a life as a mom who is unapologetically herself.